It's the time of the year for Naylah evaluation. Where we talk about her improvements, areas to work on, where to help her get to where she should be and school!
Yes I said school. My baby that is barely two years old and yet here we are choosing the best options of school for her to go to once she turns 3.
I am obviously not ready for this. That child that needs me so much to let her go "on her own". That child that I spent nearly a year waking up every two hours to feed as a newborn can't have reached school age already. This child that occupied all my days can't all the sudden just leave me and go to "big girl school"
It is still 365 days away BUT STILL. I am not mentally prepared for that separation. Prepared to let that baby girl that once needed me so much become an "independent little person."
I'm actually not mentally prepared to accept the fact she is a "special need child" and she will be going to a specialized school. I don't see her that way and never want to see her that way. So accept the fact that she is special need is psychologically hard on me. Is admitting, yes my child has needs and she might never be able to go to a normal classroom. Or have a normal life without struggling on daily basis. It's heartbreaking. And it might be selfish of me of thinking a special need class might not take where she should be at, she might not get as motivated as when she has my friends kids around. It's also accepting your child is different. Which I accept that she is different, and I love her just the way she is and wouldn't change her. I just HATE the label we put on them "special need". And all the differentiation that goes with it. I hate making such big plans ahead of her when I don't even know what her next 365 days will be like. Her environment will not change much. She will still be able to see familiar faces on daily basis. Her nurse will be able to go with her and help her with meds, feeding tube, ride the bus and bring her home. her therapists will take her to a different classroom when it's time for therapy. But it will be a new environment filled up with kids somewhat like her. Kids that may have different needs, delay, diagnosis but overall all special . I just don't see herself or myself there yet. How am I suppose to allow my child go to school when she can't talk, walk , tell me if they are treating her fairly? How am I suppose to know that's the best choice for her, when my heart is not in it and I can't accept the fact that this is how it is and I have no choice. I know I can't argue to put her in a normal classroom if she can't communicate and be self dependent so I have to just go with what a service coordinator suggests me.
Please don't take this post as I don't accept my child being different. I "grieved" the fact she wasn't like everyone else long ago. She made the person I am suppose be and she is who is she is suppose to be most importantly. And I don't wish to change that EVER. I just hate all that comes with "the special needs"
Special bus, special classroom , different look from people, the one that feels so bad for you, special care, different instructions, different needs. I don't see her like that so why do you?
Why can't I just say let's wait a few more years ... she will be up and running might be talking and who knows see the possibility of going to a normal classroom. She might be qualified for it. Some of you think I might dream too big but I firmly believe she will catch up in a way or another she has motivation and the progress she has made to me is just amazing. And part of that besides for amazing therapists, I give it to Carsten. Naylah twice a week play date. Same age as her,who talks walk, run , get in trouble, climb on furniture like no one else. He motivates her. Him that is not behind on anything. She looks at him and wants to do the exact same thing. Since he started coming over Naylah made huge progresses because she sees someone her size that can do a lot more that she can't. So yes, it's psychologically hard on me to get mentally prepared for her to be in a classroom with a bunch of children who has all different needs, I don't think this will get her where she should be . I admire all those children and I'm sure many parents felt exactly the same way, some having no choice but to. I believe, she still can get there and you can't take a mother dreams away. She can do it, she will do it and if at the end she happens to not get there, at least I know we tried and we tried hard. So dear case worker thanks for the heads up. I have a little bit over 365 days to process it all in, meanwhile we will work hard to get her where she should be.